Na via lerno victoria.
A Champion’s Guide To Climax
(Climactic Scenes, That Is)
Speechifying, Romancifying, And Other Delightful Things
Such As Making Aveline Roll Her Eyes
And Causing Carver To Vomit A Bit
Poor Carver And His Weak Stomach
Must Have Been All That Mud He Ate As A Child
As the Champion of Kirkwall and also part of the reason the city nearly exploded, burned to the ground more than once, was overrun by qunari, (insert other catastrophes past present and future here), the most frequent question people ask me is, ‘What’s with the thingie on your nose?’ The second most frequent is, ‘What were you thinking?’
Allow me to break it down in a manner no dwarf—no matter how talented, and I had to write that because Varric’s bound to see this, hello Varric, stop going through my things!—could ever do, despite his myriad skills. (See, Varric, I said myriad skills.) Honest. Raw. Truthful. At times obscene. Clarity so exquisite, insight so astonishing, purity of heart, the triumphs of love, mild indigestion… Yes, all those things and more.
Fenris: Here I am, about to defend these mages in hopeless battle.
What He Means: I’ve no idea; I honestly stop listening whenever people mention mages in a sentence. Better that way. Look very thoughtful; don’t smile; don’t nod; don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead. Dead of boredom, that is, because they’ll keep talking at you about the thing.
Fenris: You lead me to strange places, Hawke.
What He Means: Occasionally, you tell me to stay somewhere there are no holes in the roof and no mushrooms in the carpet. Also, Deep Roads expeditions both literal and metaphorical.
What We’ve Learned: Deep Roads innuendo is always funny.
Me: I’ll take you to stranger places than this!
What I Mean: I would rather be having sex than whatever it is I’m doing now.
Fenris: A tempting offer.
What He Means: I may or may not catch your innuendo and you’ll never really know because I’m Fenris and that’s how I play things, but either way, I sound sexy, don’t I?
Fenris: I…may not get the chance to say this again.
What He Means: I’m honest instead of encouraging. We are going to die.
Fenris: Meeting you was the most important thing to ever happen to me, Hawke.
What He Means: However, if we don’t die, there is going to be so much sex.
Fenris: Promise me you won’t die? I can’t bear the thought of living without you.
What He Means: Where am I going to get another house with holes in the roof and mushrooms in the carpet in this economy? I am very nervous about my future prospects should you burn this city down. Again. I may have to live in a hole or a box or something. Like a kitten.
Me: I didn’t quite catch that.
What I Mean: I have trouble being emotionally honest. It’s this thing I do.
Me: Could you speak up?
What I Mean: Also trouble with letting a joke go before I’ve beaten it soundly and left it for dead in the gutter.
Also What I Mean: I love you, too, Fenris. That should be obvious by what an idiot I am.
Fenris: Then let me make it clearer for you.
What He Means: Carver is going to vomit. Ah, how I enjoy the clinches of a passionate lover’s embrace where all our friends can see us and Isabela can instruct me to ‘Go for the ass and don’t let go! Ride that dragon, Fenris, there’s a sport!’